My ex husand works shifts as a police officer and he has to text me every monday to give me times that he wants to see our son the week after.
After 12 monhs of doing this I am tired of living my life around my ex. I was of course happy to do it when we were married but I want to get on with my life. I want to make mine and my sons day to day living more of a routine. My son has dinner at different times and in different places every day because of how erratic my ex’s shift pattern is. He sees his son on average 3/4 hours every day and has him sleep over 3 nights a month. His shift pattern is different from one week to the next. My son currenty goes to nursery 3 mornings a week. My ex is unhappy about this and has asked me not to increase it as it means he will see our son less.
What can I do??
Please help, I m tired of no having any routine in or lives
Emma
This sounds really strange. 1st, I really never heard of a shift schedule so messed up that a general time schedule (with some modifications) can’t be set up. I also, never knew anyone that worked shifts that didn’t have a schedule pattern. That is that they had no idea what hours they worked until the week before it started. I know cops and firemen – while their schedules change, they know what days and hours they work in general for months.
I find it odd too that he has his son only 3 nights a month and sees him for such a short time daily. There must be a better way to do this. On the other hand, what sort of problems does this cause you? How does a few nights a month and less than an hour a day interfere? I mean if you know a week in advance it can’t cause a huge problem. But I do understand.
Why not change from a daily schedule to a 4 time a week schedule for longer period of time? I have never heard of everyday schedule like you have. Few days for a longer time like 4+ hours is better for all.
I’m divorced and would consider 3/4 hour unacceptable amount of time and would think of a daily schedule too difficult to manage – as you do. I don’t know if your ex wants more time or not with his son. I sure hope he does. Are you limiting his time to these very short periods or is he?
As I really don’t know the dynamics of your situation, best I can say is agree on fewer visits and much more time, it’s best for all. I wouldn’t be very happy with 3/4 hr. daily myself. Maybe your son is a baby? Once he’s older he will need much longer times and more over night with dad. Can’t do much in that short time.
There are many fathers like me that want to see therir children more. Many mothers fight this for $$$ or control… too bad the courts are not parent oriented.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Emma,
Talk to your Ex and see if you can come to some kind of compromise tell him your concerns. And remember you need to be flexible. This is his father, and your son will benefit greatly from being with him. Things will change, I promise you. Your Ex will get a different shift or a promotion, your son will grow up. It is very hard but well worth it once things change. Maybe you and your ex together should compromise that he sees him less during the week but more on his weekend off?
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Remarry the man. He aint that bad if he is willing to try his hardest to see his kid. There are plenty of ppl in worse positions. It’s very important that this kid has a father figure, and the real one is trying to be around then let him.
You just need to move on with a man that will understand your situation, or just work it out with your ex.
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Though it is tiresome…I’m afraid this is the way of a parent.
It’s obviously so important to your Ex, to see his son…He WANTS to see him. Try and imagine a world…where a "Baby Daddy" doesn’t want anything to do with his child. How sad would that be?
So please do what you can to work with the schedule. It’s not always going to be this way.
Things are always changing. His schedule surely will gain some stability…and your son will grow, and before you know it…there will be other things to schedule around. Softball, basketball, playdates…all that stuff. And then…there’ll come a time where he may no longer be interested in spending time with either of you!
So for now…be self-less. Being flexible is what it is to be a parent. Things could be much worse…be so thankful your ex loves your child…and wants to be part of his life.
So many don’t…
And how sad it is, for the children.
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You need to get on a regular visitation schedule, whether it’s something the 2 of you work out, or something the court orders. This would drive anyone nuts, and it can’t be helping your kid.
Try to have a non-confrontational sit-down with him and see what can be worked out. It’s really odd that his shifts vary from week to week, since this wouldn’t work for many people. Are you sure it’s even true? If so, try to get him to understand (without threatening) that if this ends up in court, they’re going to assign him a non-flexible visitation schedule and if it doesn’t work for him one week, he won’t see his son. Then tell him you’re trying to avoid all this, but he has to give something in return, because the current arrangement isn’t working. Also, if his shift really does change, I doubt he doesn’t learn the new one until Monday. How would he even know what time to show up on Monday?
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You might have to head to court on this one, and have a judge establish a routine visitation schedule. If it means that Dad has to rearrange his work schedule to accommodate the visitation, then so be it. If he gets visitation every other weekend then he needs to arrange suitable childcare for the child while he works. Then, if he wants a visit other than the specified time, it will be up to you to decide if you can work it into your schedule and that of your child’s.This type of leniency in visitation rarely ever works out, because eventually someone feels taken advantage of, and your child deserves to have a good routine in his life as well.
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Gad, woman, have a heart! You knew when you married a cop that his very life is shift work. You can’t now take him to task over it. It’s inconvenient, of course, but so is life and love and he’s doing the best he can, surely!
Work is just not something many of us have much control over. It’s wrong to punish anyone for it.
He’s right, too: Three mornings a week is more nursery school than anyone knows what to do with and now there are full-day kindergartens – ugh! There will plenty of years of incarceration and steady mealtimes ahead, no doubt.
If, however, accommodating the shift work requires that you hire additional babysitters and so on, that’s another matter. If so, let dad know and see what you can negotiate.
Free advice: So many single moms believe they are doing a great job only to discover years later that their sons hate their guts, often for keeping dad from them, badmouthing him and so on. It’s so, so, so much better that dad seems to want him. Nurture this the best you can. It’s a great show of faith to dad that may serve you well in years to come. Think of it as buying plenary sins.
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This sounds really strange. 1st, I really never heard of a shift schedule so messed up that a general time schedule (with some modifications) can’t be set up. I also, never knew anyone that worked shifts that didn’t have a schedule pattern. That is that they had no idea what hours they worked until the week before it started. I know cops and firemen – while their schedules change, they know what days and hours they work in general for months.
I find it odd too that he has his son only 3 nights a month and sees him for such a short time daily. There must be a better way to do this. On the other hand, what sort of problems does this cause you? How does a few nights a month and less than an hour a day interfere? I mean if you know a week in advance it can’t cause a huge problem. But I do understand.
Why not change from a daily schedule to a 4 time a week schedule for longer period of time? I have never heard of everyday schedule like you have. Few days for a longer time like 4+ hours is better for all.
I’m divorced and would consider 3/4 hour unacceptable amount of time and would think of a daily schedule too difficult to manage – as you do. I don’t know if your ex wants more time or not with his son. I sure hope he does. Are you limiting his time to these very short periods or is he?
As I really don’t know the dynamics of your situation, best I can say is agree on fewer visits and much more time, it’s best for all. I wouldn’t be very happy with 3/4 hr. daily myself. Maybe your son is a baby? Once he’s older he will need much longer times and more over night with dad. Can’t do much in that short time.
There are many fathers like me that want to see therir children more. Many mothers fight this for $$$ or control… too bad the courts are not parent oriented.
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the question on everyones lips is ….does his uniform turn you on and does he have a decent truncheon?
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How can you have routine ???
But what does that matter to your little boy
I,m sure he would rather have daddy in his life than routine ?
Just be thankful daddy wants to be there an he works
Some men dont give a damn !!
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Are you in the UK? I work as a civilian for a police force in the UK and can tell you that police officers shifts have to be published 3 months in advance. Very, very occasionally – like if there’s a big game on in the area, heightened threat level etc – their days off are cancelled at short notice but this is unusual. Are you certain he is not using this as a way to choose times which suit his social life to see your son?
I’m also surprised that your ex sees your son for 3/4 hours every day. It sounds as if the child you are talking about is very young, but surely a better option in this situation would be for him to see the child once a week for a longer period of time?
I don’t see a problem with your son eating in different places every day, plenty of children I know do that, though some kind of routine on when he eats would be good. Ask your ex to confer with you and both agree a time when he will be fed. Remember you will have to stick with it too.
Also, why not keep a notebook in your son’s backpack where you can both keep notes on what he had to eat & how much he ate, what time he got up etc. This can be handy as children that age will often say they ‘can’t remember’ what they ate.
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Surely you have a custody agreement via the court set up when you divorced, if so just tell your ex that is how it has to be from now on because it is not good for your son to have no real routine.
If you have sole legal custody then put your son into day care more often, it is your decision alone.
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